This weekend is Li Who/An Unearthly Convention, and it will be my first Doctor Who event since Regen 4. When it was announced that there wouldn’t be a ReGen 5, I debated whether or not I should just let all this go. But it occurs to me that, because of things that happened at Regen 4, I have been avoiding Doctor Who specific events since early 2018.
As excited as I am for Li Who, I am worried and scared that my assailants will be there. I’m even more scared that even if they aren’t, I’ll still be looked down upon, seen negatively. That there will still be victim blaming and shaming.
For me, and for anyone that needs it, I decided to just put it all out there because a lot of people don’t know what actually happened to me.
Step inside the Tardis, and let’s go back to Arisia 2015…
A woman stalked me, assaulted me, almost broke my props, followed me to lunch, told me, “I want to be just like you.” Then she cut her hair like mine, and harassed two of my friends. I reported it right away to con security. Security seemed incredibly helpful at first but when I mentioned that my assailant was a “she” they stopped me mid-sentence and asked me to clarify. They were baffled. They didn’t believe me.
“Girls don’t do that.”
I was devastated. And tried to just accept that this would just be how it is. Don’t say anything because no one is going to believe you.
PSA: That security team has since been replaced and the new team has been nothing but professional and helpful.
Fast forward to 2018, to ReGen 4 , where multiple women touched me without consent. They rubbed my back, felt me up, and put their hands down my pants. I was jumped on while standing in line for Peter Capaldi. Another woman ran up, grabbed my arm and forcibly pulled me towards her. It knocked me off balance. I dropped the stuff in my hands and screamed out in pain. I was already in pain from an injury and could barely stand, so the pain she caused made me see actual spots.
Because of Arisia, I was incredibly hesitant to report it. I figured no one would believe me and nothing would get done. Sadly, I was correct.
Because of all the times I had been laughed at online when I say “male and NB cosplayers get assaulted too” I kept this all to myself. I kept it in, internally screaming and crying, and wishing I could just vanish.
It wasn’t until I confided in a close friend who had a similar experience happen to her at the previous ReGen, (except with a male assailant) that I decided I would go ahead and report the situation. My friend assured me that the con would handle it well, as they had handled her situation. She gave me names, titles, and contact info. I was reluctant, anxious about whether I’d be believed, but I decided to reach out. I didn’t tell anyone, even my husband.
I told them that I had been sexually assaulted, that I had been stalked, and finally that I had been caused bodily harm. I didn’t blame ground staff. I tried to just be honest, tell my story, and not judge anyone, because in my head, this was the fault of the con goers themselves, the attackers.
I gave the best description that I could of my attackers. I also explained that I tried to find con security while there, but was terrified that my assailants would find out, and to be honest after getting the run around for two days about an ADA pass, I didn’t have much faith in them.
I sent out the first email and waited for about three weeks with no reply. I thought ‘emails get lost, no big, I’ll send it again to the same address as well as a few others.’ Still nothing. After a couple weeks of no replies, I reached out to a different friend who gave me yet another name and contact. Still no reply. But I was getting emails from the same address about ticket sales just fine. So I even replied to that. Nothing. I tried messaging their FB page. No reply even though they saw the message.
I finally got a reply after THREE MONTHS of telling these people that I was sexually assaulted at their con, and that someone literally leapt on top of me.
Their reply consisted of what sounded like a copypasta ‘sorry this happened to you.’ That was it. So I replied to that, very upset that they appeared to not be at least attempting to get more info on these people since I gave them descriptions. I have not reported many people through the years, but the few times when I have, the con always asked what the people looked like, if I knew their names, etc so they could be tracked down and the situation resolved.
Same exact reply. So I sent one last email, telling them that they NEEDED to do something about these people or at least give me some indication that they would look into it before these people came back and did this to someone else.
I never got a reply to that, but I did see a very passive aggressive post on their FB page, that they disabled comments on. They didn’t call me out by name, but they said that if you contact them they need more time to answer because – this was what really upset me – “we have other shows” and added with a winky face emoji.
How very nice to know that if you have been assaulted, make sure you don’t interfere with their show schedule.
I haven’t told many people about this. Some people that I did tell have told me to just drop it, and some even stopped talking to me because it happened. Because they didn’t want to make waves because their enjoyment of the con was more important.
It has been almost two years and I feel like there are no safe places. No place to go that won’t victim blame me or tell me, “Well you should have done this if you wanted to avoid getting assaulted.” People have zero issue getting behind celebrities when they come out after sexual harassment. Everybody goes to Twitter, they run to Facebook, to post campaigns and start boycotts.
People will rally for someone that they don’t know because it’s easier. Because it doesn’t cost them anything.
Dealing with sexual assault and predators is a lot harder when it’s a con in your own community.
That’s why I’ve finally decided to put some of this out there. Because it needs to be said. Because we as a community need to do better. We need to hold ourselves and those we trust accountable.
So, in the words of a Twitter meme: “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…”
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.” ~ Albus Dumbledore